Two months on

Another day, another deep breath. It's two months today since our little tiny Baby Beans was delivered in St Thomas's Hospital. Every day can be different, but today it feels like that was a long time ago. It feels like the version of Elly Beans who was around then wasn't really me, but more of a shadow self, and it feels increasingly like I'm back in my own skin.

Today, so far, feels a good day. I woke early, but after a decent night's sleep. I've been a bit restless the last few nights. It's been so warm in the flat we've had to have the windows open, every noise outside disturbs me, and the sun tickles through our window blinds from dawn. But last night an eye mask and some earplugs sourced by the Boy did the trick.

We started the day off well - we recently had a rent rebate (we live in a shared ownership flat, so we own a percentage of the flat and we pay rent on the other part) as we paid too much rent last year. We wondered (briefly!) about saving the money but have decided instead to have a holiday in Sardinia in September, after my work annual conference and the Boy has run the Great North Run.

I think we'll be ready for another rest then, and as I've said before in these pages having things to look forward to at the moment and quality time together planned helps us both stay sane and keep going forwards. It breaks life into smaller manageable chunks, which lets us relax a bit - a big help as we try to move a bit further along the road. We're getting there, I can feel that and I know that. It seems heart and head have connected once again, and - while we'll never forget our first tiny baby - that can only be good news.

Guilty pleasures

The Boy is out tonight having a few drinks with an old friend in London town, so I have a rare night in at Empire Towers on my own. I've done two loads of washing and dusted the flat, so with my halo shining I think it's time to kick back and relax. On nights like this, when it's just me at home, there's little I enjoy more than a couple of celebrity magazines and full control of the remote. Simple pleasures! Guilty pleasures, as I always feel slightly naughty for indulging myself in some of the more downmarket weekly gossip magazine titles, as if they are in some way beneath me.

Tonight, while perusing this week's heat magazine, I read with interest that the Wilson Phillips song Hold On is featured in the film Bridemaids. I am super keen to see this film, but I digress - Hold On is a song that takes me straight back to my early adolescence, as I was 13 when this was released in 1990. I adored this song, listening to the cassette over and over again on my red Sony walkman with large orange foam-covered headphones. Imagining myself as one of the band, belting out the lyrics into my red hairbrush in front of my red mirror (yes, red was my favourite colour at the time). Washed with nostalgia I've just looked this track up on youtube and I wasn't disappointed. It's every bit as I remembered and the video made me smile. I think I spent the whole of 1990 in a black halterneck top, or a white shirt buttoned up to my neck and tucked into my (stonewash) jeans, with a waistcoat over the top.

I feel a strong connection with this song to this day, and it's funny it's just popped back into my periphery, as so many of the lyrics are relevant for how I feel right now... "You could sustain", "Things can change", "Things can go your way"... Suddenly I'm 13 again. Twenty years ago. I wasn't such a happy person then, I won't pretend I had the best time as a teenager (perhaps more on that another time) but things could change then - and then can now. So I'll "hold on for one more day"...

Two steps forward, two steps back?

It's been - as seems to be par for the course at the moment - an emotional few days. The Boy and I had a weekend packed with quality time: a meal and drinks out Friday, comedy gig with Omid Djalili on Saturday night in Soho where we were lucky enough to meet him afterwards, and then Twenty20 cricket in Beckenham with my parents on Sunday - and there were some really happy times. I am so thankful every day for having the Boy in my life, because a day when I am with him will always be a good day. But amongst this there were sad times too. I got terribly upset on Saturday morning and was quite overwhelmed with tears, I think a combination of mourning my friend who we lost the Saturday before and also feeling sad about the loss of Baby Beans.

I wonder when, or if, it starts to hurt less. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing so well and being so strong, but at other times I'm pulled right back and my heart throbs and aches once more. I find it astounding how much the loss of the baby actually hurts - the pain seems disproportionate for something that was only with us for 13 precious weeks. Sometimes I feel so guilty about how keenly I feel the baby's loss. Of all the losses we've had this year, this one has bruised me the most and I'm not sure whether that's how it should be. But, it is what it is and I'm not going to give myself a hard time about what I feel. I made a pact with myself early on that I am going to go with this process, trust my heart and body will pull me in the right direction, and hope that at some point I'll come out of it the other end. I know I'm on the way to healing, it's not going to happen overnight and I just need to be patient for that bit longer. My horoscope in Look magazine told me today: "Change is in the air, but it's not quite here yet. Usually that sort of uncertainty would make a well-organised person like you tetchy, but try to keep calm. Good things can happen by taking a back seat and seeing where you end up." Do they know me?!

I can feel movement though. This morning two heavily pregnant women got on the tube at Waterloo, in colourful maternity dresses with big bumps on show, laughing and talking together. And the first thing I did was smile. Granted, after that I did feel a bit envious and I was reminded of our loss, but the first emotion I felt was happiness and I enjoyed watching them interact. That's a first, and am important one I feel. They looked really joyful, and full of life and excitement. It was nice to see, on a tube full of grey suits, and raised my hopes that I could be in that position one day. So - one step forward.

And perhaps another step forward too... My lady has left the building so from yesterday the Boy and I have begun trying for a family again. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much - I know it can take your body a while to settle down after a fairly late miscarriage like we had and at the moment it's more important for the priority to be intimate and close with the Boy, and then hope that a baby will follow... but I am of course crossing everything - except my legs! - and hoping that there might be some good news for Mr and Mrs Beans soon enough... we'll see what the future holds for us.

The Hollywood Costume Auction

Last week you might have read about Debbie Reynolds Auction (if not click here to see some of the costumes that were sold). 

I've mentioned my friend John and his collection and I just have to share with you a few of his purchases from last week's auction.  

An Affair to Remember - Deborah Kerr

 It might look more familiar here. 

And who doesn't love Gigi? 

 Does the suit look more familiar here? 

Did you ever see Shirley Jones in Carousel? 

 Then this dress must look familiar!

John owns so many beautiful items that would be so familiar to anyone who watches film classics.   I keep hoping there will be a place where he can exhibit his beautiful holdings.  

I read on a blog that investors in other countries bought some of the items that went for crazy prices, including the Marilyn dress that went for $5.6 million!   Wonder what they plan to do with them. 

A Crazy Week!

This week was ridiculously busy at work and looking back I'm not sure how I squeezed in some of the extra-curricular activities but somehow I managed.    

First there was Rhondi's Porch Party.  I stayed up very late a couple of nights to be able to visit some of the beautiful porches.  Hope you had a chance to visit some of the participating blogs. 

 An event I had been looking forward to was the Go Red For Women Luncheon and it was one of the highlights of my week.   Star Jones was the keynote speaker.  I don't watch much tv so her name was not familiar to me but wow what a speaker!   Macy's is a national sponsor of Go Red For Women, so it's not surprising that their table was right up front and center,  just feet away from Star Jones.  What is surprising is that somehow I was seated at the Macy's table!    Honestly, you've never seen so many beautiful red dresses in one room!!   If you live in Atlanta and you haven't been to the St. Regis, it's a must see.

 I was so glad I made it to book club.  This month we read The Poisonwood Bible and I was dying to talk about it.   

Then there was the premature handing over the Presidency of an organization because the current President is moving!!  I wasn't quite ready for that but with that being said, of course we had a small going away gathering for my good friend.  

This week was neighborhood clean up and you know how I love my neighborhood so of course my husband and I got out early to do our part.  

My dear neighbor of 18 years and close friend is expecting her first grandchild (that makes me a grandneighbor) so there was a baby shower for Elly. 

Judy with her mom & sisters

There was so much pink in the house.  Guess you can tell that Judy is just a wee bit excited. 

Then we rushed off to hear a band.   Now usually my evenings are quiet ones but not last night.   My daughter's good friend had an album release party so we were happy to go for the celebration performances.   I fell in love with this group. 

So much so that I took my picture with the violinist after his performance. 

Today was another work day but I'm headed home now in hopes of having a much calmer week.