A Day in the Park - Piedmont Park

This morning we headed out extra early for a morning in the park. Not just any park. We spent the morning playing in Piedmont Park, a beautiful 189 acre park that provides green space and recreational resources in the city of Atlanta. 

 The park is beautiful and in several locations it provides beautiful views of the city skyline. It was designed by the sons of the NY Central Park architect, Frederick Olmstead and today is considered the city's favorite in-town park. 

Today I'm linking up with The Tablescaper's Seasonal Sundays so be sure to stop by and see other beautiful and inspiring posts.

It's Hard to Keep Up

This week it's harder than usual to keep up with blogging, work, chores around the house and THE GRANDGIRLS!   

Yes, the grandgirls have been with us all week attending a day camp at the Atlanta History Center and they have had a great week.   It's been really funny to listen to them talk about playing over at the Swan House.

And at night it's really been fun to go play in the park, play charades, watch movies, play butterfly bingo, put puzzles together, take bubble baths and read Junie B. Jones books.   

We've got lots more to do this weekend before taking them home, but it has been a great week. 

In the name of the father

I read with interest in the Guardian that the Office for National Statistics has released its annual baby names survey today. It feels a little sad to see all the names listed there - as until recently the Boy and I had a vested interest in children's names - but I enjoy casting my eye over the names all the same, and seeing where the names we both like rank in this year's ratings.

Most of our favourites are very near the top so we may need to do a bit of a re-think when (if? please, when...) the time comes. Or maybe not - I'm pretty sure the Boy and I would prefer to choose a name we both love rather than be dictated to by statistics, and if that name is a little more common than others, well so be it!

How life mirrors art

For the last four years I have volunteered as a counsellor at a small bereavement charity. I was drawn to counselling after receiving a few therapeutic sessions myself when life felt difficult about seven years ago. I qualified as a counsellor in 2008, having spent three years training at various colleges in central and South London. I find the work meaningful and rewarding, and get a lot from it. It feels important and real, and I enjoy doing something different outside of my full-time work.

The charity where I volunteer offers long-term bereavement counselling to adults for up to two years, in weekly sessions that last about an hour. Each volunteer sees two or three clients a week. In my four years with the service I have worked with eight clients, male and female, from a few months to the full two years. During these sessions a client has never brought issues relating to miscarriage or wanting a child - the work has predominantly been about the loss of a parent, partner or family member, and all the difficult feelings and thoughts that go along with such a painful loss.

Since the miscarriage I've noticed that the dynamics that have changed in my personal life have also changed in my counselling space. A client I had been seeing for about 18 months, who had never shown an interest in becoming a parent, informed me that she was beginning the IVF process in the first session we had following the short absence while I recovered from my miscarriage. My second client and I only began meeting in June - she was presenting for various family bereavements. In our last couple of sessions it has come to light that the most important issue for her has been how much she wants children.

I find it interesting to be in a position where the feelings, thoughts and concerns of my clients so closely echo my own, when with my recent experiences I can feel such strong empathy for them. I can't help but wonder about the timing... Is it just a coincidence that these two clients are bringing these issues now, when they are so parallel and coherent to my own?. Or has something changed subconsciously to allow these themes to come up at this point? It's the first time that my 'art', if you will, echoes my 'life' and I feel this is a really important stage in my counselling work. I'm working closely with my supervisor and the director of our tiny charity to make sure I am being the most effective counsellor I can be, and that my distress and anxiety is left out of the room and the client remains the focus. So far it's working well.

The Beans commandments

I'm reflecting this afternoon on what I can do to help myself through this uneasy time. I can't dictate what's happening inside of me and if and when I might fall pregnant again. A lot of the emotions inside me are out of my control - but not all of them. I wonder if I can better manage what is in my control, then perhaps life will feel more settled and everything will begin to feel more in place. It's got to be worth a shot. So, here are my five Beans commandments for the next few months. Let's see if I can stick to them...

1. Not feeling guilty for saying no: Hmm. This is a difficult one, but hey - let's start as I mean to go on, and aim high! This is something I've struggled with my whole life. I'm a real crowd-pleaser and a complete 'yes' person. For most of my life my needs have come after those of everyone else around me, and it wasn't until I met the Boy and he helped me see how much I was giving others that I even realised I was doing this. I've always been one to go the extra mile and put the most in, from something small like buying the extra round in the pub, to wearing myself out working three jobs so I can still pay my mortgage and afford to be there for people at their birthdays or social events. I am a naturally generous and giving person. I like that about my spirit and I don't want the essence of that to change - but there's also something here about pleasing others and worrying about letting them down. At this time, if any, I really need to let go of that. What matters now is me. And the Boy. And if I have something planned or said I'd do something, then the day comes around and I realise it's too much, then I have every right to say 'no'. One of these days I might even learn to say 'no' upfront when asked to do something I don't want to! But I'm not sure that day is coming along any time soon. One step at a time!

2. Not hiding how I feel: It's been three months since the miscarriage now, and occasionally people still ask me how I am doing and if I am ok. Most people don't say anything, which I suppose hurts as well, as it feels our loss has been forgotten. I've started to go on auto-pilot and say I'm fine, to close the issue down. And sometimes I am fine. There are, in general, more good days than bad days and I am thankful for that. But there are times that I'm not fine, and I know that's going to continue for a while. I can't wish my grief away or expect myself to recover too fast. I need to be true to myself and be honest all the time about what's going on in my emotions. I am very lucky that the Boy is so open and willing to be there and listen to me, hold me, comfort me and share with me, so I must try not to bottle anything up for fear of over-burdening him. We've done so well coping with this together to this point, it should continue thus. I have some good friends around me that I know I can lean on - some who have been through the experience and others who have had losses so can empathise with how life might be for me. They are only an email or a call away. I also have this blog which has been such a welcome place for me to pour out my heart. I noticed my entries for July have been pretty few and far between compared to previous months, so I'm going to try and get back into the habit of writing my head and heart down. It really helped earlier on, and might help bring me back to the right path.

3. Making sure there is enough Beans time: I think this one is closely linked to my first commandment, but since the miscarriage there hasn't always been enough time in the week for me to have some quiet time, and take stock of what has happened and give it time and space to process. When I was pregnant the Boy and I stepped out of our busy lives a little and there was an abundance of time for me to read, relax, think - and just 'be'. Since the miscarriage we seem to have fallen back into old habits and I often find myself wishing there were more hours in the day. Fitting in full-time work, with family events and social occasions, as well as running the house, cooking, washing and so on takes up every inch of my waking life, so something has to give a bit, and I'm determined it won't be me or my mental health - or my relationship with the Boy. So going forwards I'm going to plan my weeks better - have a look on Sunday night what is coming up in the week ahead, and make sure I have a few nights where I can get home straight from work, do a few chores, and then have a few hours to unwind and take a load off. When the Boy and I were first married we marked out a weekend a month that from Friday night until Monday morning was Mr and Mrs time where we didn't see or speak to anyone else. That's got a bit lost since the miscarriage - mostly due to it being the summer and the plethora of birthdays, barbecues and weddings coming along - but that will be reinstated. It was a good Beans tradition and I miss it.

4. Watching what I put into my body: In times of strife this is always my Achilles heel. I have a tendency to revert to the old security blankets - most notably alcohol and junk food. They provide a short-term comfort, but don't do me any favours in the longer-term. We had a fabulous week away in Suffolk but we drank every night and I didn't watch what I was eating at all - I've come back a few pounds heavier, and the unhealthy living had a real impact on my sleep and my mental health. For me to feel good, I need decent sleep - I'm very ratty when I don't get this, and that is normally turned inwards and I beat myself up, or feel down on myself. Looking back on the pictures from when I was pregnant my skin looked so radiant being off the alcohol, and I don't need to be carrying extra pounds as that can have a negative affect on my self-esteem and confidence. So - it's back on the salads and low-carb diet for me! We have a holiday booked to Sardinia in September and I'd like to lose a stone by then. Hopefully watching the booze and food will make this happen... along with a bit of commandment five!

5. Work the booty: I feel a lot better about myself and my life when a workable amount of exercise is built into my life. The Boy and I go through phases of walking into work together - it's three miles and nearly an hour's stroll, so it's good for me to walk to and from work. A cunning way of incorporating exercise into my regime without becoming a gym bunny - guaranteed to put me off and send me straight back to the Pringles! We've started doing this again since Suffolk and I can feel the benefits already.

So - here's my plan for the coming weeks. See if I can stick to these commandments - that sounds simple in policy, but I know are anything but in practice! - and pray that they guide me back to the right track and the road that goes forwards... not backwards, sideways, or round and round the roundabout.

Order in the house

Something of a nesting instinct has kicked back into me in the last few days. It has know been three months since the miscarriage - a quarter of a year - and I wonder if the two things are connected. I realised this morning that it was actually three months yesterday since we lost our beautiful baby Beans - I only made the connection today when I consciously thought about the dates. I feel that might be progress, as in the weeks following the miscarriage dates and times jumped out of my subconscious at me all the time and I couldn't have escaped them even if I wanted too. Maybe those memories are finally fading now, although I still feel an underlying sadness that seems to be there most of the time - and I am aware that on Monday I could have been six months pregnant, I know that will cut deep.

Since the end of April, the Boy and I have spent a fair bit of time at home in the flat but we've also been out a lot together or with friends. We'd withdrawn from socialising when we found out I was pregnant - for someone like me who was regularly out and was often seen as the life and soul of the party, the excuses about not drinking were just too difficult! - and we also wanted to be together and excitedly talk about the future and this life that was growing inside of me. But we've certainly made up for that in recent times and I feel jaded and fatigued from that lifestyle and ready to think about doing things differently. We'd put a planned move from our little flat to a bigger place further out of the centre of London on hold when we found out I was pregnant. Even for me - renowned amongst my friendship group for doing 20 things at one - selling a flat, having a baby and buying a house was too much all at once.

I think since we lost the baby, our lives have also been on hold. We've not been able to look very far ahead  to a future without our child as it has been too painful. It's been about getting through life on a day-to-day basis, literally taking each 24 hours as it comes, and breaking up the weeks with nice plans at the weekend, going to gigs or the theatre, spending money and living life as if we were footloose and fancy-free, and peppering the months with short breaks and holidays, so we've never had to look ahead to a big 'chunk' of time, of life, stretching ahead.

I wonder now if that's changing. Since we came back from Suffolk the Boy and I have seriously been looking at our finances, working out exactly where we are now and where we hope to be in six months time and in a year's time, and so on. Curbing back the pennies that have been frittered away on short-term fulfilment to mask our pain. We've begun looking at when would be the best time for us to move and working out a spending and saving plan going forwards. I've also been looking at the flat in a new way, and thinking about the jobs that we could do around the flat to improve it and make it the nicest living space it could be for us while we are still here - and at the weekend we are going to look around Beckenham and West Wickham as possible places we could move too. We're still keen on East Greenwich and West Charlton but nothing is coming on the market, and it seems we can get more for our money just another zone further out.

I suppose what is happening is a realisation that life does go on. It has too. I have to face that, and I have to accept that sadness will be a part of my life for a time, and I have to find a way to let myself be ok with that. I need to live life and go forwards, and work out how the sadness can be alongside me in that journey - and not be holding me in the moment or pulling me back. I'm not sure yet how I can do that, how the Boy and I will manage this. But I suppose the realisation it needs to happen now is a valuable one, and an important first step in bringing order in the Beans house.

Back to reality

Back from holidays, back to work and back to reality today. The Boy and I have had a wonderful week or so, first off away with the Beans family in Suffolk, and then at a wedding in Somerset. It was a real treat to have so much time together and we enjoyed the quality time with family and friends immensely. We packed the Suffolk holiday with really happy memories, including an awesome day at Latitude music festival, trips to Southwold and Aldeburgh, and a tasty trip around Adnams brewery. Happy days indeed. Some of my favourite times are captured below.

It was a good break and while the weather was typically British, it was great to get away from the hustle and bustle of our lives in London, and feel the breeze in my hair and the grass between my toes. I think it did us both some good, although the sadness I hold is staying with me at present - I am wishing it away as I want so badly to try and move on and feel happiness again, but I remind myself that sadness is the last stage of the grieving process and peace will surely come in time.

The Boy and I both feel strongly that falling pregnant again would be the best medicine for us... but it was not to be this month. We're both disappointed - I'd be lying if I said otherwise - but I think we're both getting much better at accepting that what will be will be, and we know my body may well need a bit more time to recover from what we've been through. In the meantime we are taking really good care of each other and are now building in a bit of quiet time. Some quality Mr and Mrs time is needed after so much time with friends and family, so we'll be shutting the door and having an abundance of chats and cuddles over the coming nights which I'm sure will keep us both on track.

Seasonal Sundays - Charleston

I'm linking up today with The Tablescaper and joining the Seasonal Sunday party.   We haven't taken a vacation this summer but we did go to Charleston this spring so I'd like to share just a few of the 500 or so pictures we took. 

I loved stopping to read the various signs posted throughout the historic district. 

 I'm a lover of "little things" and as a walking tourist, small and interesting details were everywhere. 

 Don't you just love the cobblestone streets?

 Not to mention the garden gates.  I wanted so badly to open a few of these gates to go inside!

 Happy summer.

A Secret Oasis

Don't you just love when life presents a beautiful moment.  Saturday night my husband and I were walking back to our car after going to a hear my niece in a concert.  We'd parked several blocks away from the venue and for the first time in several weeks, temperatures in Atlanta were perfect so it was a great night to be outside walking.  

As we strolled along we walked past a hotel that I have really never noticed even though I drive by it often.  

From the sidewalk I spotted a courtyard.

The sun had gone down and the courtyard was filled with twinkly lights. 

 There were people gathered to celebrate a birthday and they invited us to join the party.  An unexpected surprise.

I'm so happy to have found this lovely getaway located in the city.  I'm looking forward to future summer evening escapes.  

Dennis Dean Has a Blog!

If you live in Atlanta I'm sure you've heard of Dennis Dean Catering.  

I've been working on events with Dennis for more than a decade and he has always been my preferred caterer.  Yesterday I was thrilled to discover that Dennis has started a blog and I wanted to pass it along in hopes that you will be a follower http://dennisdeancatering.blogspot.com.  

Since I'm talking about food, I am so excited to share a recipe one of my best friends sent me.   She is a coffee lover and recently Judy made frappuccinos at a baby shower.  

Coffee cup in hand!!!

I'm sure these drinks have 10,000+ calories but oh my, they are so good!!!!

Here's the recipe:  

1/2 gal. of whole milk

Hershey syrup 

1-1/2 cups sugar

2 t. vanilla

8 cups of really strong coffee

1/2 gallon of coffee ice cream.

Mix 1/2 cup of the milk with the chocolate syrup.  

In another bowl, mix 8 cups coffee, sugar and vanilla flavoring, stir and let sugar dissolve. Let it sit until coffee mixture is cool.

Mix milk and coffee together in a container and refrigerate over night. 

Put ice cream in a punch bowl and pour coffee mixture over it.  We ladled the mixture over the ice cream to melt it and create the mixture.  Perfect for a brunch - enjoy!!!