New beginnings

Earlier today I had my last appointment with the counsellor who I have been seeing about my anxiety issues. I don't like endings or saying goodbye so I normally dread these kind of occasions, but I was looking forward to the session because I feel in our short time together (our first session was on 1st December) I have made a great deal of progress - with his help.

When I started the sessions I felt anxious nearly all of the time. The heavy losses of 2011 had left me frightened and fragile, and I felt a nagging sense of impending doom and that another terrible thing was going to happen. I was worried something dreadful would happen to the Boy, I found it difficult to switch off and my sleep was haunted by gharish nightmares. In my session today we looked at a form I had filled in during my first session on my sense of well-being - looking at your sense of self, your relationships, your work and your lifestyle. It surprised me to see I had scored well below 50 per cent, but casting my mind back to then, that sounds like a fair assessment of my mood.

I didn't think my feelings would change - I wasn't aware that I could get back to the Elly Beans I had been before last year had taken its toll. In honesty, I thought that was it for me. That the shift to a more cautious, nervous and vulnerable person was a permanent one. Fortunately I was very wrong. Sometimes in life, exactly the right kind of experience comes along just when you need it, to help you along when you are struggling and to restore your faith in yourself and the human condition. And this is what happened for me. The counsellor I was referred to quickly grasped where my problems lay, and helped me work through what was causing me such distress and negative thoughts.

We had six sessions together over the last seven weeks - so not a great deal of time in the grand scheme of things - and I am amazed at what we have achieved. I feel completely different and now my scores on my well-being are much higher, around 90 per cent. I feel like I'm back in my own skin, that life has much to offer once again and I am no longer tormented by nightmares or visions of doom. The nerves have gone, the ship is steadied, and more often that not I feel genuinely good. There are of course some difficult moments and bad days, but the difference now is that everything is in perspective and this is normal - whatever that means! My brain in functioning in a balanced way again, and - touch wood - it seems the distorted and paranoid thoughts that so plagued me are a thing of the past. I feel confident that if my thoughts slide and become irregular again, I now have the resources within myself to stop the process and get back on track before it's too late.

It's a good feeling. I am happy in the here and now and I feel so strongly how blessed I am. I am able to stop in the moment and enjoy life again, and look around at the beautiful elements that surround me. Even though it's raining today, I feel light, warm and safe. I'm comfortable in my own skin again, and I'm reminded and aware that life has much joy to offer, as well as much pain.

Body clock

The Boy and I are now 18 days into 'dry January' and I'm still loving it. I've lost 8lbs in the last couple of weeks, which was well-needed as I was rather resembling a barrel after the Christmas and New Year excesses! My skin is the best it's been in months and I'm sleeping a steady eight-hour shift every night. Gone are the nightmares and night terrors that so haunted me last year, and sleep is no longer something to be frighened of - instead I welcome the clamber into bed and the easy slumber that follows. For that reason I haven't missed socialising or seeing friends in evenings at all. I feel much more relaxed, and the relief that I'm not always supposed to be somewhere, doing something and entertaining someone is pretty palpable.

I've noticed that while I haven't been drinking, my body clock has shifted slightly. I'm waking up much earlier than I would normally - around 6.30am seems to be the norm, even at weekends - and I am getting tired much earlier in the evening, I've often been asleep by 10pm in the last few weeks. I find this fascinating, as when I'm out and about, socialising and drinking, my routine is very different. I won't go to bed until midnight and I set my alarm for later - 7.30/8am. It seems left to my own devices and my body's natural rhythms I am, as much as this surprises me, 'a morning person' and not the proverbial 'night owl'.

I wonder if that's why I sometimes get so worn out and stressed - because I'm constantly resisting and trying to change what my body wants to do. It's worth bearing in mind at any rate when life inevitably becomes busier again from February. Right now I'm getting so much done with the extra time which is really great - this weekend I managed to get even more writing done (I only have two chapters left to write now!) and I had a great clearout of our bedroom, sorting some bags of clothes for charity, and finding some bits for ebay. I spent a few painful hours uploading items to sell onto the ebay site, but it seems my efforts were worth it as the items are mostly under offer now.

And extra pennies will be welcome at this time. The Boy and I are in 'moving' mode again. I have slight deju vu (!) but we're in a far stronger position than we were financially this time last year, when we were trying to finance a move to the Charlton/Greenwich area. We've decided to leave the big smoke behind - a big step for me having lived in London for more than a decade and having owned flats here for over eight years. But it's the right time now. We've identified a village in Kent as our ideal place to move to - 10 minutes from my parents and around 40 minutes from the Boy's family, and we were given a mortgage in principle agreement from the Boy's bank yesterday for far more than we want to borrow - so far the signs are good. The next step is to get our place valued and on the market.

It all feels exciting - if a little scary when you look at the figures in black and white - and I am really proud of the Boy and I, and the work we've put into making ourselves financially strong and solid, and enabling this move to happen. Fingers crossed all continues to go well. Few piccies of Otford below...

Home From the Holidays

We finally returned home early this week and of course all of the Christmas decorations, including the tree, were still hanging as we left them.  Oh if only the elves had stopped in to help put things away!

 With very little sleep I returned straight to work this week having had the pleasure of nearly 2 weeks off.   Taking consecutive days off for me is a rare happening and I’m so grateful for the vacation days. Please indulge me as I share some of our travels and activities. 

After picking up the grandgirls the day after Christmas we were off to Frankfurt, Germany where I met up with my son and DIL and dropped off the girls before heading to Rome.

View from our hotel room

Believe me, I tossed my coin in the fountain!

We stayed in a wonderful B&B that was right across the street from the Vatican. After two days of sightseeing (and gelato) we were on our way to Pompeii.  I was so hoping we’d be able to manage Herculaneum and Pompeii but it was pouring rain so we didn’t navigate as well as we might have. 

I'm haunted by "The Mule".  Called the mule because he was found beside his mule, positioned as if praying.

Luckily for us the rain stopped and as the sun peeked through the clouds we spotted Positano where my husband and I spent a week, celebrating the New Year and his birthday, taking cooking lessons, relaxing and enjoying Lemoncello, romancing, observing the 12 days of Christmas and EATING!   It was heaven on earth. 

More on the cooking experience later

The view from our room in Positano

We parted ways in Rome and I flew back to Frankfurt.  From there I hopped a train to Trier, Germany.   I must admit it was a little hard to leave the sunny, warm coast to head back to a cold, rainy and dreary looking Germany but the dismal, cold weather made me appreciate the coziness and comfort of German food.  Honestly, it should come as no surprise that I gained six pounds over the holidays.

Sorry Germany.   Dreary looking yes, but I bet it would be beautiful along the Rhine in summer

 My son and his family were visiting relatives in London while I was traveling about but we eventually met up and we enjoyed family days exchanging gifts, holding slumber parties, visiting with friends and doing a little after Christmas shopping before traveling home. 

Jojo the Fortuneteller who made a guest appearance at the slumber party!

 The slumber party with my grandgirls and friends was one of the highlights of the trip to Germany.  It was a night of make-your-own cupcakes, facials, manicures, fortunetelling and movie watching with the sweetest little girls I know.

Don't you love the Positano pottery!!!

 John Steinbeck wrote, “Positano bites deep. It is a dream place that isn’t quite real when you are there and becomes beckoningly real after you are gone.”    

I’m already daydreaming about going back.

Looking back, over my shoulder

A few weeks ago I had some time on my hands and I took a look back over this blog for the first time in a while. It was an interesting experience and a bit like rediscovering an angst-ridden teenage diary many years later.

In parts I cringed at my naivety and was frustrated by my negativity, but my overwhelming sense was a longing to put my arm around the Elly I was for quite a lot of last year and tell myself things would get better. When you first experience a loss or you're in the midst of a trauma it's very difficult to believe that the state of sadness or grief is only a temporary one. You know logically that time is a healer and life will become better again, but when the pain pierces your heart with that initial intensity, it's easy to lose sight of this and despair.

It is difficult to read some of the entries I wrote last year, but in some ways I'm glad I have a record of it. I can remember a little of how I felt back then, but it is hard to re-live exactly how sad I was. I feel so different now and as the months have passed, life has become much happier and more colourful again. The sadness will always be there, but now it feels like it's bearable and manageable - and I feel optimistic and excited about life again.

Health kick

It's the 9 January today and so the Boy and I are now on day nine of 'dry January' and our health kick. I have to say - so far, so very good! We were out and about so much at the end of November and into December that it feels like a real relief to be able to stretch out and relax, and have some quality time together and some quiet time at home.

Towards the end of last year we'd got into the habit of drinking alcohol most days - mostly out with friends or work colleagues - but also splitting a bottle of wine with dinner in the evening, so at first it felt a little strange not to have a drink. But I can honestly say now that we're not missing it at all. When we walked into work this morning (a three mile journey so good exercise) the Boy was saying how pleased he was to be doing dry January with me - I did it last year while he just cut back - and how much more alert he felt and how much more energy he had.

I feel just the same, and I was thrilled to find when I weighed myself on Saturday that I have already lost five pounds - although there are plenty more to go where that came from! I've always been a curvy girl, but have generally hovered around the size 12/14 mark since my late teens. After the miscarriage, I lost interest in many things including exercise and healthy eating. I was aware the pounds were creeping on and all my waistbands were getting tighter - I even bought a couple of bits in a size 16 - but I didn't care enough to do anything about it or put a stop to it.

Now that's changed and I care a lot about my health and well-being again. I'm worth it. I wonder if perhaps this means I have forgiven myself for what happened. I know and believe now that the miscarriage was completely not my fault, but I think subconsciously a woman can wrongly blame herself and feel guilt, even though it is unjustified. Perhaps I was treating myself unkindly and putting 'junk in my trunk' as some kind of warped punishment. I don't know - but I do know that moment has passed, and now I want to be the best that I can be again. For myself and for the Boy. And he feels the same. We're both really committed to this and I hope than rather than a 'detox' or 'diet' this can just become a more well-rounded lifestyle for us both.

Tomorrow I am biting the bullet and going back to Weightwatchers. I did this a long time ago, in my early 20s when I finished university, and I found then that with a bit of discipline and willpower the diet worked for me. I have dipped in and out of it over the last decade and whenever I have taken it seriously, it has been effective. And I hope it will be again - as I certainly feel that for once I am in the right frame of mind to get my head down and get on with this. By my reckoning there's at least a stone still to shift, probably more, so I'm in this for the longhaul. Wish me luck!



Blossom in the trees, you know how I feel

I've had a really happy few days being away from work this week. It's been good for me to take a few days for myself while the Boy has been back at work, and to indulge myself in what I want to do - reading, writing, cooking, tidying, going to the theatre and watching some interesting films.

I can't even remember the last time I had free moments like this, where the day was my own to structure as I want to. When I look back at last year my overwhelming sense is one of chasing my tail and being on a merry-go-round that I couldn't quite escape from. A bulging diary that seemed to be relentlessly pushing me along. Sure - when you're on a fairground ride there are some amazing highs, but there can also be dips, twists and turns, and when you can't find a way to escape the roller coaster then you can be left dizzy, nauseous and fatigued. And I feel that's what happened to me.

These precious few days have helped get this year off to a positive start for me. I feel like a tree coming towards the end of Winter, my branches have been cold, heavy and barren - but now it's Spring and there's a tingling in my trunk and blossom petals are beginning to open around me. Life feels like it's there for the taking again - and that's what I intend to do.

A place for everything

If I tell you the Boy and my sister fondly give me the nickname of 'Monica', perhaps that will give you an insight into certain aspects of my personality... I like order, control, clean lines and minimalism. Chaos confuses me and spontaneity can be difficult - although not impossible - for me.

I spent all of yesterday undertaking a Spring clean of the flat, a job I know some people dread and find mundane and arduous. But I loved every moment of it! Throwing out bags and bags of rubbish and recycling is therapeutic for me. There is something about clearing our home of unnecessary 'things' that purges my soul and refreshes me. I feel lighter for having less 'stuff' and take a real satisfaction and pride in the fact that everything that remains in the flat looks neat and tidy, and is in its proper place.

My friends laugh gently at my desire to have all my bookshelves organised by genre, my CDs in alphabetical order, and my wardrobe organised by colour - but all these things give my life a sense of structure and make me smile. For how my home looks and feels is incredibly important to me and my state of mind. When the flat is clean and ordered I feel happier inside, and I feel confident that I can be creative and achieve my goals. When the flat is cluttered and disorganised, I feel unstable and anxious.

Regular readers of this blog will be aware that anxiety can be an issue for me. In recent times it has been my default state, and - while I feel it is becoming less of an issue as I understand more about how my thoughts and feelings work - my propensity to worry and become tense is something I must be mindful of. Taking the time to create a home that I find happy and secure and that I am proud of is really important. It alleviates unnecessary strain and helps me be content in the here and now - my mission for the year!