A new chapter

Finally after weeks of wondering what has been going on with this old body of mine, my lady made her reappearance yesterday. I had expected that I would find this quite upsetting - being my first lady since January and real physical proof that I'm not pregnant - but in the end it was fine. It's actually quite a relief that everything is getting back to normal and beginning to settle down after all the recent trauma, as now it hopefully means we can begin our quest to become parents again in earnest.

It feels good to have a bit more certainty back in my life. The past few weeks, even months, there's been a lot of wondering and questioning on my part and I feel quite a lot a more relaxed now that something solid has happened. I suppose it is also a sign that the miscarriage is completely over - physically at any rate - and that feels like a relief as well, as waiting for my lady has also meant waiting for the completion of our baby's loss and for a semblance of normality to resume. I feel optimistic for the future, and ready and hopeful to try again. Unexpectedly I find myself almost feeling happy at the thought of it. This whole ride really has been quite unpredictable so far - I've felt good at times when I've least expected it, and then I've felt the depths of despair when seemingly everything around me has been ok. So, I go with the emotions whatever they are, in this instance my heart knows better than my head.

The Boy is as usual being really supportive and making me smile. While we were getting ready for work this morning I mentioned that perhaps I could do some charting of good days this month or get some fertility sticks - I guess I feel so ready now to be pregnant I want to do everything I can to encourage it to happen quickly. The Boy looked like he was pondering this, and then he said with a faux serious look on his face - "No, I think we should just have fun and games every day, out of duty of course - it'll be quite a hardship but I can take one for the team" and then he flashed me his winning smile. It's little things like this that make me warm inside even when the world is cold and crumbling around us - as it has been this week with the loss of our friend - and I still thank my lucky stars he came into my life. I don't like to think where I'd be without him.

So, I guess here we are. The time has come when we are both physically, emotionally and mentally ready to try again. The past forgiven but not forgotten. Baby Beans and the legacy of love always a part of us as we go forwards. The future a blank page. A new chapter in our lives waiting to be written. Deep breath time. Everything crossed again. Rabbit's foot rubbed and four leaf clover at the ready. The roller coaster has pulled into my station and I'm ready for the journey ahead. All aboard!

Computer says no

I took my first pregnancy test since February this morning. I still haven't had a period - or my 'lady' as I affectionately call it! - since the miscarriage, which was nearly eight weeks ago now. Eight weeks. That amount of time makes me catch my breath a bit, although it's starting to feel like time has passed and I feel like we're slowly moving on to the next chapter in our lives.

While the Boy and I haven't actively been trying since we lost baby Beans, we have been intimate regularly so I had a little voice at the back of my head whispering about what the reason for my lady's no-show might be. While I didn't think or feel I was pregnant and had no symptoms to speak of, there was an element of doubt, and of possibility. I bore this for a few days. For me, sometimes it's easier to hide in a grey world of maybes than live in a black and white world of fact - but I knew this could only be a temporary state so I decided to take a test.

I felt very nervous doing it. My fingers fumbled over unwrapping the box and I re-read the instructions several times. I waited for a few minutes wondering - and if I'm honest with myself, hoping - but the test was negative, so I guess I need to try and be patient and hope that my body all settles down again in due course. I'm finding the waiting for normality to resume quite difficult, but in the grand scheme of things it's still pretty early days. While I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed, I trust that my body knows what it's doing and hopefully we will have a different result soon enough.

When the miscarriage happened I spent a lot of time asking myself 'why me?' and 'why us?'. Why were the Boy and I the unlucky ones and why had this happened to us in particular? I think it's very difficult not to ask these questions in the early days, when you're frantically searching for answers that just aren't there. I immediately wondered what I had done wrong, or what we had done to deserve this. I felt like the victim and the guilty party all at once. And at times I still do. The guilt has ebbed away because I know I didn't do anything wrong - I know I followed all the guidelines and took the best care of our baby that I could, and having the explanation of the low hormone levels helps me accept that I'm not to blame. But the 'victim' mentality can sometimes haunt me, especially when I'm feeling sad or tired, and I have to yank myself back from that path and force my eyes forwards. It's the only way to stay sane.

In recent weeks the question has shifted and I've begun to ask 'why not me?' and 'why not us?'. The odds can be as long as they are (and I still greedily consume them - yesterday I read 0.5 per cent of babies are lost after a heartbeat is heard at 10 weeks...) but the Boy and I have as much chance as anyone of experiencing sadness - and happiness - in our lives. I feel more vulnerable these days. Before we lost the baby I didn't think about pain and loss very much. The Boy and I had led pretty sheltered lives, and apart from losing one of my best friends when we were 20, my life hadn't really been touched by death. I guess it's that old cliche that I always saw it as something that happened to other people.

But within the vulnerability there is also a sense of relief. I have a tendency to try and control my life and the world, and that is quite a pressure. 'Why not us?' reminds me that this life is fragile and cannot be controlled, we are all open to warmth and loss, and it is what it is - the good days are there to be seized and enjoyed, and the bad days must be endured and survived. Fear not, I'm not about to do a Robin Williams and run around shouting 'Carpe diem!' but I feel a little bit freer now to take life a day at a time, and a little bit more able to take my light and peace when it comes and where I find it.

And 'why not us?' works both ways, of course. I find myself wondering if I will fall pregnant again and if the Boy and I will be able to experience a family of our own one day. Or will we be one of those couples who battle on for years to come, and never manage to achieve their goal. Those concerns can prey heavy on my mind, and I long for us to be lucky and to have the family we want. But now I can tell myself why shouldn't we have our dreams - 'why not us?' and 'why not me?'. Why not?

It's Time for Rhondi's Porch Party!

I love a good porch party but this year I've been so busy I didn't have time to get ready for company.  Lucky for me I live in a porch neighborhood so I decided to ask the neighbors, whose porch I see when I sit on my porch, if I could borrow their porch.  Thankfully, they agreed and I'm here to warn you...your gonna love it!

Coming up the walkway

Closer to the porch

 This house is the oldest in our neighborhood and said to be near 100 years old.  Can't tell you if it's true but the house and grounds do make you want to linger.  Maybe have some iced tea and do some reading. 

As you enter the porch the first thing you see is the house number which has been creatively added to the front porch.  It's almost like a welcome mat and measures about 1'x 2'.  One of the homeowners is a an artist and she added this to the entrance.

There are plenty of corners to sit and chat. 

And every where you look there is something to see. 

That's my house peeking through the foliage

Then there is bird village.

So far 12 bird families have moved in.

 They even have church in Birdland!

And of course there is a mosaic tucked in every corner. 

 Can you see the mosaic bamboo wall hanging?

And the lighted tulip mosaic. 

She bought an old bowling ball at a yard sale and now it's art!

We didn't visit the front and back yard but I hope you enjoyed my neighbor's porch and view.   If you happen to be in the neighborhood, my neighbors will be hosting our neighborhood 4th of July party soon so come on over!

For now visit Rhondi's blog and visit more porches as she hosts her annual Porch Party!!

Night falls

The Boy and I had some sad news last night. A friend of ours - a former colleague and very close friend of mine - committed suicide on Saturday. We had lost touch with him in recent years as his increasing mental health problems had made his behaviour very difficult and erratic. While we did what we could to be understanding and supportive, he had deliberately moved away from older friends in the last few years - finding it easier I think to spend time with newer acquaintances who didn't know his full history.

I was aware he had been through some very dark times and he had gone missing a few times, once for months on end. So I suppose in truth, deep in my heart I had wondered if this day might come and I might hear this news. He had been so very troubled and unable to find peace in this world. But it is such a loss - he was a very warm, bright and colourful person, and I have no doubt the world has lost a little bit of light with him no longer in it.

While we hadn't been close for a time, he had been a good friend to me and I have many happy memories of him. I think together we kept some of the landlords in Shoreditch in business, and we took a very crazy trip to Berlin together the two of us just before I met the Boy. He had been the one who helped me move into Empire Towers - the one who drove the van and helped me carry the (very) many boxes up the two flights on stairs to my new flat. And then he was the one who took me to my new local boozer to help me celebrate my new home. In his typical fashion we didn't leave without knowing all the names of the new bar staff!

Today I am thinking of the times we spent together and hoping that my friend has found the rest and peace where he is now, that he couldn't find in this world and in this life. I find suicide so sad. I think it's one of those things that everyone has an opinion about - some think it an evil waste of life, some think it is a selfish act, some think it always wrong, some are left feeling angry and guilty with questions that can never be answered... I've certainly had some black and white ideas about the issue in the past, but this is my first - and hopefully last - experience of losing someone in this way. The feeling that arises in me with this friend is one of tremendous sorrow and regret. That a flame that burned so brightly and was so intoxicating to be around, was slowly subsumed by mental illness and depression until the fire flickered out. Sleep tight my friend, you will be missed.

Don't give up

Thanks to my trusty ipod, I rediscovered my Chicane Behind the Sun album while in Santorini. It was one of my favourites in my clubbing days. Listening to the Don't Give Up track with Bryan Adams was like getting a hug from an old friend - but this time round I was older, wiser, and the words touched me even more than before. I hear this song and I feel warm, I feel in the sunshine again.

Business as usual

I've hardly had a chance to catch my breath since we've been back from holidays. Work has been incredibly busy these past few days. I work as a press officer in the union movement, and it seems I have come back to the UK to find the country on the verge of the first general strike since 1926, and the biggest industrial action planned since the miner's strike!

Well, that's what the Daily Mail would have us believe... but it's certainly been very full-on. I was in the press office on my own on Friday and I took more than 50 calls from journalists and was working until about 9pm. I was on-call this weekend - I take part in a duty rota to ensure the media has 24-hour access to my organisation, and spend one weekend a month on-call - and yesterday was also relentless, the first call coming in at 7am and then steady enquiries until around 6pm. Today has so far (touch wood) been much quieter, but stories about proposed strike action continue to dominate the news so the Boy and I haven't been able to go anywhere or do anything, as I've needed to have my PC and landline in touching distance.

It's been hard work and part of me was resistent to getting thrown back into work quite so quickly - the holiday now feels something of a distant memory! - but it has been a blessing in disguise. It's been a while since I felt completely connected with my work, probably back in January just before I fell pregnant. When I fell pregnant my world shifted and my priorities changed in ways I didn't expect as a career girl. I was completely overtaken by the new life beginning and growing inside of me. Even though I was excited to be preparing for the huge demonstration in March, work couldn't be my complete focus - my fatigue and morning sickness put paid to that physically, but emotionally and mentally I was evolving. And then of course the tragedy of the miscarriage rocked the Boy and I to our very cores, and nothing felt important any more - certainly not being in the office and being at work.

At times, I've wondered if I'd ever get back the buzz I used to have in my work. I thought perhaps it was lost forever, the spark dulled by our experiences, the commitment lessened as I've changed and now see the world differently. I suspected my newly-determined conviction that the most important job I could ever have would be to be a mother and a nurturer, meant that my career would slip silently into the back seat of my life.

Well the past few days have taught me different. They've shown me I can still get the adrenaline buzz rushing through me when I need to be in charge, and that I still have it within me to be on top of my game when it matters. I've worked well under the pressure - to praise from my colleagues and the head of our organisation - and I feel the old confidence seeping back into my veins. I feel like I've taken that old familiar, faithful coat that I used to wear when I was younger out from the back of the wardrobe and slipped it on once again. I'm caught by surprise that it still fits, and that feels good - and when I catch sight of myself in the mirror it's like I've never looked better in it.

I feel re-connected and re-energised, and ready to go again. I feel like me. I feel the confidence creeping back in and enveloping me - and that is such a welcome development as when I lost our baby Beans I lost my a big part of myself, and I lost a lot of confidence. I'd been on such a high falling pregnant so quickly that my confidence had grown and I'd felt myself blossom - I could do this! But then the rug was pulled so fast from underneath us that my feet were flailing in the air and the only way was down. Now I know that I can go up again, and it came effortlessly - less of being back on the ladder, or the staircase... more like being on an escalator and naturally moving up from the basement to the ground floor. Let's hope I'll be gliding my way up to the first floor as seemlessly in due course.

It Was Some Week!

 Don't you just love this banner???   We celebrated Pro Bono and Community Service Week and this was our logo this year.  

Every day this week some type of event was held providing opportunities and learning experiences all designed to get more people involved in volunteering.   There were lunch & learns, trips to the food bank, pro bono bingo, pro bono-what would you do (an incredible presentation from 9 U.S. locations), volunteer recognition event, presentation of a scholarship and more.  I worked on the celebration calendar for a couple of months so it was great when the date finally arrived.   Today was the last day and for the finale, a team of us painted and landscaped an elderly woman's house.   The transformation was amazing and we were all proud of the end result.   No matter how busy things were, and no matter how tired I was as I got up each day, I was reminded throughout the week just how lucky I am to be able to help so many people in the community every day.   And I'm so proud to work with some of the best people too which makes my job an even greater blessing.   

Now I think I'll go get a manicure and relax tonight.